Thursday night, I spontaneously went out for a beer with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long time. This guy comes over to our table and starts talking to us. After a while we arrived at a typical topic, age. After hesitating he guessed me to be 27.
Really ?! 27 ?!! I knew I looked everything but fresh and youthful this night after sitting the whole day in the library working on my thesis but 27 crushed my ego that moment. Later when I went home, standing in the elevator, I took a closer look in the dirty mirror. Are these wrinkles around my eyes ?! Are these shadows under my eyes rests of mascara of my skin telling me that I need more sleep ? I decided that self-pity does not help. Moreover, earlier that day I got ask for my ID when I wanted to buy Snus. Hah in your face stranger!!!
Tomorrow first thing I will find my eye-creme again and this time I will not be too lazy to use it longer than a few days.
Writing a bachelor thesis is stressful -as I thought before it would be- but it is stressful in a different way than I thought. The other day I caught myself staring at the clock. Everything was prepared, energy drink, coffee and snacks, paper, pens neatly put up next to my laptop. It is 12.55 pm . I had promised myself to start working on my thesis at 13.00 pm.
12.56 I stare at the clock.
12.57 I start contemplating about cleaning the flat while staring at the clock.
12.58 really? Three minutes are gone already, noo.
13.01 I am still staring at the clock, not moving.
13.02 F*** Laura gooo, get on it, come one!
13.03 why is my coffee cold??
13.04 maybe I start 13.30 instead….or I just take a nap. Naps are nice. So nice.
Procrastination and I have become best friends since I started writing my thesis 😉
Writing a thesis is stressful, yes, but what is really stressful about it that you have to be involved with one topic over a long time period , you have it in the back of your head all day, no matter if you are studying or trying to relax. Every time you get asked to do something fun you evaluate if you can allow it yourself time wise. Another glass of wine ? Better not. If I have the slightest hangover tomorrow I can’t study properly…. It takes so much energy to have something in your mind all the time. It is sometimes truly frustrating. I got mad at my thesis several times. I got mad, sad, annoyed and angry but so has almost everyone I met who is writing their thesis. It’s part of the process and you just gotta accept it. Sometimes you have good days, bad days, productive days, lazy-days or just shit days where you decide to screw it for now and watch series and take a nap. That is okay. Just try to keep the balance between them so you get done in the end.
I have worked on my thesis all over Malmö. In both libraries, at home, and at various cafes. In my favourite cafe the bartender asked me once when I arrived yawning : “still working on your thesis ?” me yawning and nodding. “here you go , coffee will help!” When I talk to friends one of the first question is always, how is your thesis going ? Same when I write with friends on Facebook. You start comparing yourself with others who are writing their thesis at the moment as well. “Oh he/she has already xx amount of words and I only have xx words….” Then you notice how grumpy you get but actually you should be happy for them. You will always find people who you think work better or worse than you but actually comparing does not help. Everyone works differently, some take much time , some not. Some start last minute and still pass. Some started months ago and brag how far they are and then get a bad grade. Or the other way around. It should not matter. However, it is in human nature to compare yourself with others so I decided instead of only getting grumpy at myself when someone does better progress than me, I get a little grumpy (can’t lose it fully) but mainly I decided to be happy for the other person. 😉
Thesis writing brings fun as well. First of all when you actually did some progress and then scroll up and down in your document and realize hey I made this !!! I know its a normal thing nowadays that people get their BA degree but still, you produce a 40 to 50 pages thesis in the end that is actually pretty cool ! Moreover you get to complain together with your fellow thesis writers over how annoying this work is and spontaneously decide actually you could go now and have beer instead of working more and you end up having real quality time. Even when the deadline is approaching one should not forget to have little fun from time to time and tell the little mean guy in the back of your head to shut up and stop telling you that you should rather figure out how to do your analysis section. I had a great time with Marie dying our hair and drinking wine instead of studying. I get really happy when studying and actually progressing and then taking a well deserved break. After finishing my thesis I will probably never forget again how NGOs can influence peace processes, which is quite handy to know in my field of studies. I had hung up my research question all over the flat to keep it in mind and reflect on it. After a few days I noticed Rickard had re-printed it and did slight editing. I couldn’t stop laughing for a long time (see image above) 😉
My deadline is in 10 days, I have written 80% of my thesis and have my green-light supervision tomorrow morning, then I will get to know if my supervisor thinks that I am ready for the final deadline — and what I am doing right now ? I am sitting in the library writing this blog post and contemplate about buying a bottle of wine on the way home because I think I truly deserve it. So, will I fail because I wasted some hours now ? No. I will perhaps fail if I get to know tomorrow that the way I do my analysis is shit and I need to re-do it 😛 😛 😛 Right now writing this blog makes me feel good. Trying to delve deeper in all the data I have left to analyze makes me not feel good today, so I pick the one which makes me feel good for now. Sometimes procrastinating is actually really healthy for your mind, if you do something else instead of studying what actually makes you feel happy or good. Even though I have been stressed and under pressure I backed colorful muffins, found my inner child again on an awesome slide in front of a friends house and I went to Valborg in Lund with my friends and we had a great time. And soon everything is done and over and after hopefully passing we can all enjoy the summer ! 🙂